It's been an interesting few days.
I was about to label the past couple days "rough," but I did have a fantastic 4th of July weekend on the whole. I'm doing my best to hold onto those recent memories and stay positive, but, man, is shit crazy right about now. Save for the deaths of friends and family, and a cancer scare a few years back, this is probably the most difficult time in my life. And I take the cancer scare back because 1) if I had it, fuck it, it was there and I'd have to deal with it and 2) I had some surgery, got all the scary shit out and have been fine since. Death of loved ones is definitely the worst, especially since so many I've known have died far too young. But right now, man... shit...
I've started packing my apartment. Everyone asks where I'm moving and the answer is: I don't know. I still don't have a job, despite applying for at *least* one per day since graduation. I set my emergency apartment finding date at July 15 - basically, I'm signing a lease that day somewhere, anywhere, that seems decent and will accept Juno (the breed restrictions around here are hellacious and stupid). I have to decide if that place will be in Boulder or Philly. Thankfully, I've stashed money in two separate savings accounts, but I'm pretending like it doesn't exist because I'm going to need it for movers and to fix the umpteen million things that are wrong with my beater Acura. It's there, but it's already spent.
So that's where I stand: no job, no place to live, no certainty.
Not gonna lie: I'm fucking scared right about now. I've never not had a plan B... hell, even after Gypsies stole all my shit in Prague back in '04 I had a plan (I also had a passport still, so that made things easier, but I digress...). There's no backup plan. I can't move home – that's not an option. Can't say I'm not happy about that; I'm one of few people my age without that crutch and it forced me to grow up and get my shit together. I own all of my furniture and I've got a living thing who depends on me, so I don't plan on couch surfing either. I wouldn't impose on my friends like that. This is all on me.
If this is the most difficult thing that I go through in my life, then I'll be lucky as hell. I've dealt with worse things, for sure, but the bad things have always had an element of certainty. People die, the end. You're healthy or not, the end. You're in love and he's not – done. But in this situation, there's no certainty, there's no binary, it's not a zero-sum game.
I can live with the black and white, but haven't quite learned to deal with the gray.